"Life is full of contrasts, of facts and figures and moments of feeling and action, rational or irrational. All just words, and must be stripped down to the form that lies beneath, the movement of hands typing words, the brain processing the information flickering across the screen. No matter the nerves beneath the skin and the chemicals that flow, I want to believe that some things are transcendent. Music, perhaps, and love. Even if they are not, I will tell myself that they are and it will be okay because every word is its own small fiction. And yet the greatest truths I find are in love."
Mix and match new years post this year. I wrote that up there sometime early in June, a good month, but then I thought every month this year was a good month. January and May were special, in a way I can't really quantify, and I feel I don't need to justify. I changed a lot this year, and it was a busy year, I moved around a lot. I hold all the experiences I've had this year dear to me. I've been in love twice, once with a beautiful dreamer by the great lakes who told me fantastic stories and wrapped me in the most wonderful spiritual warmth. I am so thankful for the time I spent with her. Now I am with another beautiful dreamer from the southern hemisphere who I fell in love with unexpectedly and suddenly. I never really believed in soulmates, but if I ever were to change my mind, I guess I'd say he feels like mine. Unexpected and beautiful, like so many wonderful things in my life. I know I sound a bit floaty right now, I haven't really been eating enough and I spent last night and most of this morning in a perfect benzodiazapine-induced haze. Don't worry, I'm not addicted, and I only have one left, my doctor prescribed them for anxiety attacks. But yeah, it's been a good year. Aside from the disabling anxiety and depression, but that was intermittent, and I'm on SSRIs now, and those have really helped me "reclaim" my life. I think I've become closer than ever to the person I see myself as, to who I want to be rather than anybody I feel forced to be. And that seems to be a really good thing. That's one reason I feel so secure in the relationship I'm in; when I'm with him I feel no need to try to be a certain person, in fact I feel like I become more of my ideal self, if there is such a thing. My counselor said that makes sense though, and that it's a sign that this is really working for me. I've come a long way, personally this year, learned a lot of things about myself and become much more independent. Yulia was right about my trip to New Zealand, it did change me a lot, and it helped me become more emotionally independent and forced me to deal with my anxieties up front and seriously rather than hiding away. I am in a good place right now, I deal with intermittent anxiety and ill health brought about by strange things like old eating disorders and antibiotics, but I am so lucky to be as healthy as I am, to have the means to live comfortably, to be able to speak my mind without fear of censure or attack, to be able to pursue the life that I want. It is a blessed life, and I'm so thankful for it. And to those friends who read this journal, you and my friends who are not on LJ are a part of that, of what makes me grateful to be alive, thank you.
Happy new year everybody, I hope this will be a good one. I'll just quote Neil Gaiman because he says things so well:
"I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you dream dangerously and outrageously, that you make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked. And most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now) that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind."
And for fun, a small meme about childhood foods!
Share 5 food memories from your childhood. They can be your favorite memories, or your least favorite.
1. Mac & cheese from a box-
I love the stuff, what can I say. It's pretty much what my mom considered cooking. She'd make me eggs and toast too, but I lived for boxed mac & cheese, and still love it.
2. Jello cups-
It's aliiiiive! I'd eat one of these every night after dinner. Maybe that's why I was such a chubby kid... but no, they were great and I still like to make jello in the fridge, I don't buy the cups so much, to save plastic and all that.
3. Salad dressing-
was basically the bane of my existence till I was about 15. I still won't eat any kind of creamy dressing, I stick to vinaigrettes and similarly non-creamy dressing. So this is one of my least favorite food memories, thank goodness I wasn't forced to eat salad dressing too often! I remember eating caesar salads with just lettuce, chicken cheese and croutons, no dressing, and those were really good salads! My family thinks I'm crazy because I still eat them that way...
4. French toast-
It's one of the only things my mom ever cooked, and she'd make it on the weekends when she didn't have to work. It was really good and I'd love to make it more often. I remember I once told her I was bored of it and she never made it again. Later in life I clarified that just because I said I was bored of it didn't mean I never wanted her to make it again. I'll get her recipe and make it myself :)
My dad used to make pizza, and it was delicious. I remember seeing the ball of dough sitting out to rise all day so he could make the pizza in the evening. Inspired by traditional Neopolitan pizza, he liked to use a lot of tomato sauce, thin crust and Buffalo mozerella (sounds weird, but is delicious). I was a weird kid, though, and didn't like tomato sauce, so he'd make mine with just olive oil and cheese, which I thought was the greatest thing in the world. I still love it that way, even though I'll gladly eat tomato sauce on my pizzas now. Btw, in NZ, tomato sauce means ketchup, but the kind I'm talking about here is the kind that goes on pizza and pasta yay :D
And here's a picture of me (upper left) and some awesome friends in front of our old highschool: