Log in

what the water wants is sunkiss

and land to run into and back

Journal Info

poetry and prozac



June 15th, 2009

new blog

Hi there.
I've been keeping a new blog over at blogger.com: http://spiderly.blogspot.com/
My relatives had been asking if I've got a blog, so I decided to make one that's public. I think I'll still post here with the occasional indecipherable poem, drunken rambling (already have one in the new journal though...), or sex-related talk (though I might be brazen enough to post that there too). Wasn't sure if I'd actually use the blog, but it seems I am, so feel free to go over and check it out. I'm still totally on livejournal, I've got some communities I watch, and I like to read my friends' journals, just lettin you know there's more of my crazy over thataway. Cheers!

May 30th, 2009

(no subject)

looking for home on a high wire
why is it so hard to find poetry

does it take some kind of presence to find words, some kind of certainty? i reach for them inside myself and find a place that has been replaced by experience, by the sensory. it makes my head hurt, because everything I say just sounds like something I've made up, to have something to say.

March 4th, 2009

(no subject)

draw a line across my moon shape face
let's fly on this trapeze wire
underneath the midnight sky
underneath the earth where we become
compressed by fire
formed to fit the caves and spires
molten glowing metamorphosed

I take your hand and feel it burn
place cool coins into your palm
we'll take these to the boatman
and he will take us home

I wake with moonlight on my skin
faintly glowing trickling in
bathes the landscape white
snowcovered to alight
into the cool and cleansing night

February 22nd, 2009

short but good read

A powerful anti-war article that Dom pointed out to me:

January 27th, 2009

To understand why the quote that I'm going to post is funny, one must know about the extreme pornography law that was just brought into effect today in England. The law essentially criminalises the possession of "extreme" pornographic images which might include: any kind of S&M that the courts can construe as "extreme", probably needle play and suchlike; necrophilia; bestiality, rape fantasies, the list of image content which could potentially be deemed offensive (that is, it is considered offensive even if it is a staged scene between consenting adults) goes on and on, which is a big part of the problem with this law (the vagueness of the wording leaves the law open to abuse by individuals and groups trying to put a point across or set a particular precedent), to say nothing yet of the fact that it criminalises innocent people and their fantasies. And it does; it turns fantasies into thought crimes, giving the government the power to monitor peoples' internet activity, go after them, seize their computers, and prosecute anybody on the grounds that they possess any pornographic images "conveying a realistic impression of fear, violence and harm." Hopefully you're starting to see how ludicrous this is.

For the content of the law, see here : http://www.opsi.gov.uk/acts/acts2008/en/08en04-g.htm

And some explanation as to why the law is a threat to innocent people and their civil liberties: http://www.backlash-uk.org.uk/faq.html


and another useful site: http://www.caan.org.uk/

Now, a quote that Dom found in a news article regarding the enforcement of the law:
"A statement from ACPO suggested that they would investigate material as they came across it"


January 18th, 2009


I gather jugs of river water
down where the current flows so smooth
around my hands and through my body
as the sun light streams over me
in waves of heat all yellow

like ancient summers full
of dandelion wine
and sleep
and colors moving underneath
my eyelids
into corners
into cracks where I can't reach
my arms of stone and mind of teeth
aching to chew the meat off of life's bones
and to dive in to the writhing deep

let us enjoy a picnic here
and rest our legs where once had wrest
my heart, this river violent, out my breast
to keep beneath the roiling waters deep
where naught could reach, not tongue
nor hands nor teeth
let us twine together limbs and lungs
in prayer to the gods who often come
to wash and while the days away
who watch awhile, I say they may
allay what may
draw down the day
let's rest here for a while
in garb of skin
resplendent in the sunlight pushing in
which stays and shines beneath all quivering

December 31st, 2008

pretty good year

chicks w/ guns
"Life is full of contrasts, of facts and figures and moments of feeling and action, rational or irrational. All just words, and must be stripped down to the form that lies beneath, the movement of hands typing words, the brain processing the information flickering across the screen. No matter the nerves beneath the skin and the chemicals that flow, I want to believe that some things are transcendent. Music, perhaps, and love. Even if they are not, I will tell myself that they are and it will be okay because every word is its own small fiction. And yet the greatest truths I find are in love."

Mix and match new years post this year. I wrote that up there sometime early in June, a good month, but then I thought every month this year was a good month. January and May were special, in a way I can't really quantify, and I feel I don't need to justify. I changed a lot this year, and it was a busy year, I moved around a lot. I hold all the experiences I've had this year dear to me. I've been in love twice, once with a beautiful dreamer by the great lakes who told me fantastic stories and wrapped me in the most wonderful spiritual warmth. I am so thankful for the time I spent with her. Now I am with another beautiful dreamer from the southern hemisphere who I fell in love with unexpectedly and suddenly. I never really believed in soulmates, but if I ever were to change my mind, I guess I'd say he feels like mine. Unexpected and beautiful, like so many wonderful things in my life. I know I sound a bit floaty right now, I haven't really been eating enough and I spent last night and most of this morning in a perfect benzodiazapine-induced haze. Don't worry, I'm not addicted, and I only have one left, my doctor prescribed them for anxiety attacks. But yeah, it's been a good year. Aside from the disabling anxiety and depression, but that was intermittent, and I'm on SSRIs now, and those have really helped me "reclaim" my life. I think I've become closer than ever to the person I see myself as, to who I want to be rather than anybody I feel forced to be. And that seems to be a really good thing. That's one reason I feel so secure in the relationship I'm in; when I'm with him I feel no need to try to be a certain person, in fact I feel like I become more of my ideal self, if there is such a thing. My counselor said that makes sense though, and that it's a sign that this is really working for me. I've come a long way, personally this year, learned a lot of things about myself and become much more independent. Yulia was right about my trip to New Zealand, it did change me a lot, and it helped me become more emotionally independent and forced me to deal with my anxieties up front and seriously rather than hiding away. I am in a good place right now, I deal with intermittent anxiety and ill health brought about by strange things like old eating disorders and antibiotics, but I am so lucky to be as healthy as I am, to have the means to live comfortably, to be able to speak my mind without fear of censure or attack, to be able to pursue the life that I want. It is a blessed life, and I'm so thankful for it. And to those friends who read this journal, you and my friends who are not on LJ are a part of that, of what makes me grateful to be alive, thank you.

Happy new year everybody, I hope this will be a good one. I'll just quote Neil Gaiman because he says things so well:

"I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you dream dangerously and outrageously, that you make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked. And most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now) that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind."

And for fun, a small meme about childhood foods!

Share 5 food memories from your childhood. They can be your favorite memories, or your least favorite.

1. Mac & cheese from a box- I love the stuff, what can I say. It's pretty much what my mom considered cooking. She'd make me eggs and toast too, but I lived for boxed mac & cheese, and still love it.

2. Jello cups- It's aliiiiive! I'd eat one of these every night after dinner. Maybe that's why I was such a chubby kid... but no, they were great and I still like to make jello in the fridge, I don't buy the cups so much, to save plastic and all that.

3. Salad dressing- was basically the bane of my existence till I was about 15. I still won't eat any kind of creamy dressing, I stick to vinaigrettes and similarly non-creamy dressing. So this is one of my least favorite food memories, thank goodness I wasn't forced to eat salad dressing too often! I remember eating caesar salads with just lettuce, chicken cheese and croutons, no dressing, and those were really good salads! My family thinks I'm crazy because I still eat them that way...

4. French toast- It's one of the only things my mom ever cooked, and she'd make it on the weekends when she didn't have to work. It was really good and I'd love to make it more often. I remember I once told her I was bored of it and she never made it again. Later in life I clarified that just because I said I was bored of it didn't mean I never wanted her to make it again. I'll get her recipe and make it myself :)

5. Pizza- My dad used to make pizza, and it was delicious. I remember seeing the ball of dough sitting out to rise all day so he could make the pizza in the evening. Inspired by traditional Neopolitan pizza, he liked to use a lot of tomato sauce, thin crust and Buffalo mozerella (sounds weird, but is delicious). I was a weird kid, though, and didn't like tomato sauce, so he'd make mine with just olive oil and cheese, which I thought was the greatest thing in the world. I still love it that way, even though I'll gladly eat tomato sauce on my pizzas now. Btw, in NZ, tomato sauce means ketchup, but the kind I'm talking about here is the kind that goes on pizza and pasta yay :D

And here's a picture of me (upper left) and some awesome friends in front of our old highschool:


December 21st, 2008


twenty long steps from the starting line
the race becomes a thing of wonder
brushing up against a seeing stone
you make me wish the days were longer
that my beliefs could match my hunger

my body is made of love
voice the sound of heart beating
running my feet through the sand
I almost touch who I am
as my skin touches yours
something we found
as the world turned around
I am where you are
holding each others' fears
in the palms of our hands
gentle so that we are not afraid

December 12th, 2008


little girl, don't be afraid
of things the palm tree said
jealous of jacaranda
and wanting to be placated
accusing you of fickleness
you loved no less than you ever did
and you love no less now
hiding behind a wall
covered in scrawls
teenage graffiti proclaiming
that forever is never too much
and we are all eternal
god oh god little woman
you are living on an island
where you sway when the wind blows
and cry when the salt gets in your eyes
jacaranda still kind
and palm a ghost who doesn't know you
get lost in the embrace that drifts
from across the ocean
there is love in the water if you look
and heat in the sand that warms your skin
until you have returned to that safe place
Powered by LiveJournal.com